Law:The Staff of Herron Act

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38RZ18 — The Staff of Herron Act

WHEREAS Els Zuavs da l'Altahal Rexhital (the Zouaves of the Royal Bodyguard), while required by law to provide their own moustache and cool outfit, have hitherto been provided with no sidearms or other weaponry, and

WHEREAS on 30 May 2008/xxix, Florencia Packer Noah Herron thwarted a burglary of his home using a bedpost, and

WHEREAS this heroic act by a member of one of Talossa's national sports teams serves as a timely reminder to this nation of its proud heritage as the Kingdom founded in a bedroom, making it the world's shining symbol of what great good can be done with (or near) a bedpost, and causing Talossa to be referred to (in this legislation, at least) as the mythical bedpost capital and arsenal of the world, and

WHEREAS, cognizant of the popular slogan that "The only bedposts I will give up the right to bear are holding up my deathbed", the Ziu continues and reaffirms the strong tradition in Talossa making no law abridging in any way the right of the people of to keep and bear bedposts, require registration or any waiting-period before the purchase of the same, or restrict access of the citizenry to bedposts of all shapes and sizes, including but not limited to hollow-tipped bedposts, now

THEREFORE be it resolved by the Ziu of the Kingdom of Talossa that

  1. Establishment of Official Improvised Weaponry. Bedposts are declared to be the "official preferred improvised weapon" of the Zouaves of the Royal Bodyguard, and
  2. Military Use of Bedposts. The Zouaves of the Royal Bodyguard are encouraged to make use of bedposts for ceremonial and drill purposes.
  3. Cupped Bedposts. Bedposts used by the Zouaves of the Royal Bodyguard may have an indentation in the end of the bedpost up to one inch in depth and between one and two inches in diameter. The indentation must be curved with no foreign substances added. The bedpost, for not more than 18 inches from its end, may be covered or treated with any material or substance (such as pine tar) to improve the grip. No bedpost may be used for military purposes which is not a single piece of wood or which has been hollowed out and filled with cork or rubber.
  4. Military Bedpost Regulation. Appropriate officers of the Guard shall be held responsible by the Ministry of Defence for establishing further regulations for the provisioning and use of said bedposts, such as specifying the size of the bedframe from which a bedpost issued to and maintained by service members at each military rank shall be taken, and specifying military exercises for the practice and display of proficiency and fluency in the use of the bedpost, for the purposes of both close-combat and the ceremonial fancy throwing the thing up and flipping it in circles and stuff before catching it with flair and shouldering it sharply, maybe even spinning around a time or two while it's in the air; you know, stuff like that.
  5. Cultural Enrichment Encouraged. The Ministry of Culture is instructed to promote the use of and reference to bedposts in all cultural endeavours sponsored by His Majesty's government, including in literature, in our nation's martial arts form, and of course in any staging of Talossan operatic works.

Noi urent q'estadra sa:
Mick Preston (MC, RUMP)
Mha la Mha (MC, RUMP)

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